Boquet Toss

How to stay single (without really trying) - Tip #9

• Avoid the Bouquet

I genuinely enjoy weddings. Especially when attended by a lot of friends. However, I will pronounce publicly that I am not a fan of the bouquet toss.  I used to be terrified of it....now I'm just apathetic.  Confession: I have hid in a bathroom in the past to avoid it.

The whole superstition: "whoever catches it is the next to get married" and the inevitable teasing and/or sometimes pairing up with the guy who catches the garter...freaks me out. Which is ridiculous. I know that. But, (to quote You've Got Mail) "I. can't. help myself"

So, when the bouquet toss is anounced, I do go up with the mob of single girls. (I've been yelled at enough to know I should go if only to avoid the wrath of friends). But I make no effort to catch the hurling floral arrangement.

Case in point: went to an wonderful wedding this weekend. Filled with great friends. The bouquet toss was announced. I even grabbed the hand of a close friend of mine saying "C'mon. I hate this, but we gotta go." We stand in the back to get as far away as possible.  But wouldn't you know it, the bride had an arm, so it went flying to the back, litterally whizzing past my face and falling to the floor. Only inches from me. And I just stared at it.

"I'm not picking that thing up!"

Disclaimer: I don't want to make anyone who either chooses to do a bouquet toss, or the girls who ENJOY going for the bouquet, feel bad in any way. I applaud you. Brides: for doing doing what you want to do on your wedding day, and Single Girls: for enjoying, and being excited about catching that bouquet.  (I don't understand you). But I applaud you. :)

The bouquet was picked up in excited fashion by another good friend of mine. (You go girl!)

So: by avoiding the boquet toss you avoid:

A. getting maried next
B. getting paired up with another single guy
C. teasing
D. a bunch of flowers

Helping to keep your "single" status. (At least until the next wedding).


PS - I'm thinking (should I ever get married) of throwing chocolate. Chocolate is something I could get excited about.

Public Solitude

How to Stay Single (Without Really Trying) - Tip #20

• Comment Audibly on the iPhone Game You're Playing in Public

A couple of weeks ago I was getting the oil changed in my car. Usually I like to leave and go amuse myself by shopping and/or eating. However, I returned too early and was "forced" to wait in the waiting room while they finished with my car.  

So, I did what most people do now-a-days (since I was already caught up on my fb news feed). I played my current favorite game "Collapse Blast". (get it. it's fun)

Whilst playing it I was unable to stop the barrage of comments coming out of my mouth.  Mostly "Poop!".  

True Story. 

"But he never saw me there"

How to Stay Single (Without Really Trying) - Tip #24

From Anonymous:

• Be Eponine.

Sure most of the guys actually prefer her to Cosette, but as Eponine, you're in love with the guy who never sees you there. The guy who only sees you as a “friend”. The guy who falls for every other girl except you: Friend. Enemy. Frienemy. Sister. Cousin. Waitress. Taxi Cab Driver.

Since you're in love with the unattainable guy, chances are good you'll stay single.

But hey. As Eponine, 90% of the audience prefers you to the other girl. You get the better songs, and you finally get your moment with him. Sure you die, but at least he's holding you.  

YouTube Videos

How to Stay Single (Without Really Trying) - Tip #7

• Make videos like this.

Self-explanatory.

....I'm probably going to regret posting it.....

(Update 10:15, Jan 15 - YouTube pulled the sound....which makes the video look even MORE ridiculous. HA. Will work to upload a different way and/or just remove entirely. I mean, it could be a good thing) :)

Falling

How to Stay Single (Without Really Trying) - Tip #12

• Face plant publicly.

In particular:

A. At Zumba class. (While dancing. Yes. THAT happened)
B. In front of your auditioners. (Skinning your knee and ripping your shoe)

I can announce I got the gig (performing in a Cabaret.  FB invite to come ;-)).  They told me last night, but I received this in an email today: "It was great meeting you yesterday. We "fell" for you just as much as you fell for us....lol"

HA HA.

I got the gig. But there's no way either of those falls were "attractive" 

This is my life. :)

Sneezing - Insight from a Single Male

How to Stay Single (Without Really Trying) - Tip #23

• Sneeze obnoxiously loud in public

Today's tip comes from a single male who shall remain anonymous.  He was in line, and a cute girl was behind him. He turned to look at her, she smiled at him, and then she proceeded to sneeze "the loudest sneeze", and so he quickly averted his eyes. Romance over.

I for one know I am prone to sneeze loudly. 

Thus, if you wish to remain single, work on upping the volume on your sneezes, ladies! :)

Roadtrip!

How to Stay Single (Without Really Trying) - Tip #19

• Solo Roadtrip! - Spend the entire day in a car by yourself.

There are perks to traveling alone. You can:

1. Listen/not listen to whatever you want
2. Talk to yourself
3. Laugh/cry to your heart's content 
4. Sing loudly
5. Have a Dance Party!
6. Not worry about having to turn around (twice) because you missed your exit(s). No one noticed. You didn't inconvenience anyone else. Sure you just added 30 mins to your trip. But whatever.