Expectations

How to Stay Single (Without Really Trying) - Tip #3

• Have (Probably) Unrealistic Expectations

I would like a man who embodies all of the following (in alphabetical order): 

Pierce Bronsan

 

Dick Van Dyke

 

Zac Efron

 

David James Elliot

Nathan Fillion

 

Harrison Ford

 

Tom Hanks

 

Neil Patrick Harris

 

Hugh Jackman

 

Matthew McConaughey

 

Dan Stevens

 

David Tennant

 

 

SPECIAL MENTION

 

Mr. Bates from Downton Abbey

 

Aaron Pierce from 24

 Clay Aiken’s Voice

  

 Admit it girls. You have a list. A list like this one, and/or a list of “qualities” you’re looking for.  (Admittedly, I have both ;-)) Sure, the names may vary for you, but, you get the point.

[In all seriousness, I’m still working out whether this is a completely unrealistic list ((Face it Sharon, it probably is)), or if maybe this type of guy actually exists and actually would want to spend his life with me.  Where’s the line between “unrealistic expectations” and “settling”? ]

But back to the point at hand: If you want to stay single, have ((probably)) unrealistic expectations. But don’t think of them as unrealistic, and you’ll stay single without even trying. ;-)

BONUS TIP: Publish your “list” publicly. I imagine it’d scare most guys away. (Like this post no doubt will. ;-))

 

Also: Happy Valentine's Day!

Boquet Toss

How to stay single (without really trying) - Tip #9

• Avoid the Bouquet

I genuinely enjoy weddings. Especially when attended by a lot of friends. However, I will pronounce publicly that I am not a fan of the bouquet toss.  I used to be terrified of it....now I'm just apathetic.  Confession: I have hid in a bathroom in the past to avoid it.

The whole superstition: "whoever catches it is the next to get married" and the inevitable teasing and/or sometimes pairing up with the guy who catches the garter...freaks me out. Which is ridiculous. I know that. But, (to quote You've Got Mail) "I. can't. help myself"

So, when the bouquet toss is anounced, I do go up with the mob of single girls. (I've been yelled at enough to know I should go if only to avoid the wrath of friends). But I make no effort to catch the hurling floral arrangement.

Case in point: went to an wonderful wedding this weekend. Filled with great friends. The bouquet toss was announced. I even grabbed the hand of a close friend of mine saying "C'mon. I hate this, but we gotta go." We stand in the back to get as far away as possible.  But wouldn't you know it, the bride had an arm, so it went flying to the back, litterally whizzing past my face and falling to the floor. Only inches from me. And I just stared at it.

"I'm not picking that thing up!"

Disclaimer: I don't want to make anyone who either chooses to do a bouquet toss, or the girls who ENJOY going for the bouquet, feel bad in any way. I applaud you. Brides: for doing doing what you want to do on your wedding day, and Single Girls: for enjoying, and being excited about catching that bouquet.  (I don't understand you). But I applaud you. :)

The bouquet was picked up in excited fashion by another good friend of mine. (You go girl!)

So: by avoiding the boquet toss you avoid:

A. getting maried next
B. getting paired up with another single guy
C. teasing
D. a bunch of flowers

Helping to keep your "single" status. (At least until the next wedding).


PS - I'm thinking (should I ever get married) of throwing chocolate. Chocolate is something I could get excited about.

Public Solitude

How to Stay Single (Without Really Trying) - Tip #20

• Comment Audibly on the iPhone Game You're Playing in Public

A couple of weeks ago I was getting the oil changed in my car. Usually I like to leave and go amuse myself by shopping and/or eating. However, I returned too early and was "forced" to wait in the waiting room while they finished with my car.  

So, I did what most people do now-a-days (since I was already caught up on my fb news feed). I played my current favorite game "Collapse Blast". (get it. it's fun)

Whilst playing it I was unable to stop the barrage of comments coming out of my mouth.  Mostly "Poop!".  

True Story.